I always loved her more than the world itself, but problems started manifesting themselves physically...it's like my brain and body were disconnected. Mentally I always wanted her more than anything but physically my body was just tired, beaten, numb. Over the years we've talked, and it killed me the times she cried out of frustration. I always searched for an answer, to find what was wrong with me...but my approach was always wrong. I thought it was work and would set "milestones" for myself...if I can just achieve "X" the stress will go away, if I can just make a little more the financial stress goes away and I'll feel better. But it never did. I always tried to reason with myself on what the problem was, and I spiraled deeper and paniced more each time I found I was wrong. I thought I was working toward an answer, but instead I was always prolonging the problem.
Lately I've been reading and thinking a lot, and for whatever reason it became crystal clear: I had to make wholesale changes and get some help. I was focusing my energy in the wrong directions and had to change. So I did. I came home one day, umprompted by any recent conversation, and told her no words can express how sorry it took me so long to "get it", but I "get it" and don't want to live like this anymore. I was tired of simply feeling like I existed and not giving her the love and attention she deserved due to my own issues.
Two days after telling her this I found her crying downstairs, she said she was so frustrated for so long and was now angry that I finally had this epiphany. She resented the fact that I never listened to her and it took me this long, and she told me it's like she's gone numb. She says she still loves me but she doesn't want to be sad anymore. We're not separated or divorced, but she says she's trying to figure out what to do. She says she still loves me but she's lost her faith in my ability to change. We've both been seeing therapists, I've had two appointments and she had one this past Saturday. Mine is helping me get to the bottom of what caused everything, kind of a closet cleaning. Hers told her she needs to focus on herself and suggested maybe we need time apart.
It's been five weeks and five days since I drew the line in the sand myself; five weeks and three days since she broke down. Talk about timing. I keep hoping to get through to her and start to reinstill that faith, but her defenses are so tight at this point that forward progress isn't possible. She's trying to figure out where her head is but she says she doesn't want to hurt and be let down again. I know it takes time, I don't expect an overnight change, and I know in my heart this time I'm not going to stop what I'm doing...but she doesn't believe it. I love her more than life itself, always have. She's about the only thing that kept me going a lot of days through the years. I can never express how sick it makes me to know I've hurt her, and if she'll let me I want to spend the rest of my life showing her how good it can be and how much she deserves, not how far I can fall.
I know what I've done, and albeit unintentional I know that I've wronged her. And honestly, I can't blame her for feeling this way. I know I put us here...I can't change the past, and I'm so incredibly sorry it took me so long to realize how to fix my problems, but I always tried to deal with it as best I knew how. She said she's not upset because I've been sick, she's upset because it took so long to figure out how to fix it. Throughout it all I only wanted the best for her, I never meant to knowingly hurt her like this. I always thought i was working on it...next thing I knew years went by. I don't know what to do, except for what I have been for the past five+ weeks. This is the person she signed up for, not the one who was wallowing for years. But she's been unresponsive so far. She notices, and appreciates it, but she thinks it's all just going to stop at some point again. Has anyone been in this situation, on one side or the other? Any advice is appreciated, and thanks in advance.
Sorry for the long post, that's the first time I've gotten this all out.
Last edited by PAinVA; Yesterday at 06:47 PM.
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